Tuesday, August 28, 2007

What’s in a smile?

Today, my happy smile has got a small sad thought hanging down my lips. There are still reminiscences of those days when I was convinced that he was there to stay. When I was feeling protected but insecure about what was to happen. When I was childishly spreading my arms to get all the hugs and all his smiles, to keep all of them for me only. And, like the kids often waking up in the middle of the night reaching out for their loyal teddy bear, I suddenly found myself hugging the emptiness. Bitter tears, shattered glass, dim light, barricaded doors, nights, nights, nights…

Until now, when this man makes me laugh with his witty grace, with his tons of stories. I sometimes think that he makes up some just to see me laughing. But I am not that child anymore, I don’t even look for hugs and I don’t expect anything. Smiling is just a façade, while my mind is busy living in the past.

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